How to Practice Self-Compassion (And Stop Being So Hard on Yourself)

If you’re someone who’s driven, self-aware, and constantly striving to do better, you’ve probably been told to ‘just be kinder to yourself’. But if you’ve ever tried, you know it’s not that simple.

This is where self-compassion comes in. Not as some fluffy self-love cliché, but as a powerful, science-backed skill set that can help you regulate emotions and show up as the person you want to be. And yep, it WILL feel unnatural, especially if you’re used to using self-criticism as motivation.

In this guide, you’ll learn:

• Why self-criticism feels familiar but usually doesn’t help
• How self-compassion improves motivation, behavior change, and mental health
• Practical strategies to start treating yourself with more respect — without lowering your standards.

Whether you're dealing with perfectionism, burnout, or just tired of the constant mental pressure to do more and be better, this article is for you.

What Is Self-Criticism?

Let’s start with some clarity: not all self-criticism is harmful. The ability to reflect on your actions, notice where you can improve, and make adjustments is part of healthy self-awareness. But for many people, that voice inside becomes more than reflective — it turns hostile.

This more damaging version is called self-attacking. It’s when your inner dialogue isn’t just critical - it’s harsh, contemptuous, or even punishing. You’re not just thinking “I could’ve done better,” you’re thinking “I’m such a failure” or “What’s wrong with me?” The problem isn’t always what you're saying; it's how you're saying it, and how it makes you feel [1].

At first, this kind of self-criticism might feel like motivation. It often shows up when you fall short of a goal and promises: “If I’m harder on myself, I’ll finally get it right.” But research shows the opposite; it tends to backfire, increasing stress, shame, and emotional overwhelm [3].

People who are highly self-critical often describe feeling inferior, never good enough, or like a failure, even when they’re achieving things on the outside. They might struggle to enjoy success or feel like they only matter if they’re performing. This kind of internal pressure is linked to depression, loneliness, and strained relationships [4]. 

In many cases, self-criticism goes hand in hand with shame; it’s tied to a deep fear of being rejected, unworthy, or becoming the person they don’t want to be [5]. This makes self-criticism one of the strongest vulnerability factors for depression [6].

So if you’ve ever wondered why you feel like you're constantly at war with yourself — this is likely why. Next we’ll explore why this happens, and what we can do about it.

Why do we do it?

We aren’t born self-critical; we learn to treat ourselves this way. For many people, it starts with early experiences of shame and rejection [7]. These moments can stick with us and become what psychologists call shame memories - emotionally charged memories where we felt flawed or unacceptable [8]. Over time, these experiences shape how we talk to ourselves, especially when we’re struggling or not meeting our own standards.

One reason self-criticism feels so powerful is because it mimics real social rejection. Psychologists call this a social mentality - the way our brains are wired to respond to social situations. The critic inside your head often takes the role of someone judging you, while another part of you feels ashamed or defensive. It’s like you’re playing both parts in a social interaction: the attacker and the attacked [9].

This internal dynamic is even more intense in competitive cultures, where we’re constantly being shown what we “should” look like, achieve, or become in order to be accepted or successful. When we fall short of those ideals, whether it’s about our appearance, productivity, or career success, it creates a painful gap between who we are and who we think we should be. That gap often leads to frustration, fear of not being enough, and harsh self-talk [10], [11].

Understanding where self-criticism comes from isn’t about dwelling in the past — it’s about giving yourself context. Because when you understand what shaped your relationship with yourself, you’re in a much better position to change it. 

What Is Self-Compassion

If self-criticism is the voice that beats you down, self-compassion is the part of you that steps in and says: ‘This is hard, but we can work through it.’

Contrary to popular belief, self-compassion isn’t about letting yourself off the hook or being soft. The most evidence-based model of compassion, developed by psychologist Paul Gilbert, defines compassion as:

‘A sensitivity to suffering in ourselves and others, with a commitment to try to relieve and prevent it.’ [12]

That means compassion involves wisdom, courage, and distress tolerance, not just being kind.

When we’re stuck in self-criticism, it’s like running our own defeat program. We submit to our own internal attacks, lose confidence, and back down. But when we cultivate self-compassion, the brain responds differently. It helps down-regulate stress, reduce harsh self-talk, and activate systems associated with care and connection, instead of fear and shame [13].

Compassion-focused practices have been shown to lower self-criticism, stress, and shame, while increasing calm, emotional resilience, and heart rate variability, a key marker of nervous system flexibility [14].

In my coaching, this is where the STEADY Mind™ Framework comes in. This goal is to create an internal environment where accountability doesn’t come from fear, but from self-respect. Because long-term change happens when you feel safe enough to face hard things and support yourself through them.

Self-compassion is NOT:

• Letting yourself off the hook
  
  
• Being soft or passive
  
  
• Avoiding responsibility

It IS:

• Holding yourself accountable with care
  
  
• Committing to what’s helpful, not just what’s easy
  
  
• Creating the internal safety needed for long-term change

The Real Benefits of Compassion

You don’t practice compassion to ‘be nicer’, you do it so you can show up as the person you want to be. Compassion helps you:

• Show up in your relationships with more confidence and less reactivity
• Care for your body from a place of respect, not pressure
• Set goals without spiralling when things don’t go perfectly
• Move through setbacks with steadiness instead of shame
• Stay present instead of checked out or in your head

When you shift into your compassionate mind, you're activating a whole different system in the brain and body [15]. This isn’t just a mindset switch; it’s a neurophysiological one. Research shows that self-compassion supports emotional regulation, social engagement and health-enhancing behaviours. It’s also a much more effective motivator than self-criticism [16].

The bottom line? When you treat yourself like someone worth supporting, you’re more likely to make choices that genuinely support you back.

And that’s the difference between getting through life and actually making the most of it.

Client Story: From Shame Spirals to Self-Trust

One of my clients shared this:

‘I’ve never felt worthy of care unless I’m achieving something. I feel guilty when resting unless I’ve earned it.’

This belief led to perfectionism, shame, and emotional exhaustion. On the surface, she looked like she had it all together - high-performing, disciplined, driven. But under the surface, she was burnt out, stuck in all-or-nothing cycles with food, and constantly picking her body apart.

Through compassionate self-reflection, she began to:

• Recognise the emotional triggers behind her binges: usually a blend of frustration, loneliness, and not feeling good enough.
  
  
• Name her emotions without judgment: not ‘I’m so dramatic’, but ‘I’m feeling overwhelmed and disconnected today’.
  
  
• Choose rest and self care from a place of self-respect, not just when she’d ‘earned’ it with productivity or exercise.

It wasn’t about giving up on goals. It was about learning to move toward them with compassion, not self-punishment.

Over time, she stopped spiraling after a ‘bad’ food choice. She started trusting her body’s cues. She made peace with rest. And she began to show up in her relationships with more presence, because she wasn’t constantly caught in her own harsh self talk.

Ultimately, she stopped trying to prove her worth, and started caring for herself like someone who already had it.

Try This: 3 Self-Compassion Tools You Can Start Using Today

1. My Compassionate Self

Compassion won’t always feel natural — especially if you’ve spent years trying to ‘get it right’ through pressure or perfectionism. But here’s what most people don’t realise:

You don’t have to feel compassionate to act like your compassionate self; you just have to practice choosing differently.

This is called activating the compassionate self - the version of you who’s calm, wise, grounded, and committed to doing what’s helpful, not just what’s familiar.

And no, this version of you is not passive or soft. It’s how you back yourself and treat yourself with respect, even when things feel hard.

Here’s how to begin:

Step 1: Picture your most grounded, self-respecting self.
What do you believe? How do you carry yourself? What do you prioritise - not just when things are going well, but when life gets challenging?

Here’s a list from my own practice to inspire you:

My Compassionate Self:

• Honors her own boundaries, even if it disappoints someone else.
• Wears stylish clothes for the everyday things and doesn’t wait for a special event to get dressed up
• Speaks to strangers in cafés and makes eye contact
• Is present and savours the small things
• Keeps a clean and cosy apartment
• Shares her opinions speaks honestly even if it risks discomfort
• Keeps showing up for herself even when it would be easier to chase something familiar - does what's helpful, not what's easy

So… what would your compassionate self do today?

Pick one. Try it on. Start taking action and the feeling will follow..

2. Soothing Rhythm Breathing

This simple practice helps regulate your nervous system by activating the parasympathetic branch; the part responsible for rest, digestion, and calm. When we’re stuck in threat mode- anxious, overwhelmed, self-critical - our breath becomes shallow and fast. This tells the body we’re in danger, even when we’re not.

Soothing Rhythm Breathing helps interrupt that cycle. It’s often the first step in Compassionate Mind Training because it creates the physiological conditions for feeling safe and grounded. From this place, it’s much easier to respond with compassion instead of reactivity.

Here’s how to do it:

• Sit comfortable in an upright body posture, maybe even with a slight smile on your face
• Inhale gently for a count of 4
• Exhale slowly for a count of 6
• Try repeating the phrases ‘mind slowing down’, ‘body slowing down’ with each outbreath 
• Repeat for 1–2 minutes

Over time, this practice can improve heart rate variability (HRV), a key marker of your body’s capacity to regulate stress.

3. Compassionate Other Imagery

Close your eyes. Picture a compassionate figure who sees your struggle and responds with wisdom and care. It could be someone you know, a movie character, a spiritual being, or even a blend of qualities across different people or experiences. What matters is how they make you feel.

Ask yourself:

• What do they say to you?
  
  
• What qualities do they embody (e.g. calm, strength, patience, warmth)?
  
  
• How does your body feel in their presence?
  
  

This practice isn’t just a comforting thought; it’s a way of activating your brain’s soothing system. Research shows that compassion-focused imagery can reduce shame and increase feelings of safety, especially when the image feels vivid across multiple senses - not just visual, but also how they sound, move, or feel to be around [17].

Mental imagery isn’t just imagination; it lights up many of the same neural pathways as real experience [18]. When you rehearse compassionate responses in your mind, you’re teaching your nervous system a new way to handle difficult moments. 

It might not feel real or warm at first. Especially if you’re used to self-criticism or unfamiliar with receiving care, it can feel awkward or blank. That’s okay. Vividness builds with practice. That’s why in my coaching, I teach clients to fake the image until the feeling follows. You’re building a new way of relating to yourself, and that takes time.

Start small. Imagine what this compassionate other might say after you make a mistake. Picture how they’d respond if you were overwhelmed, ashamed, or stuck. Over time, this imagery becomes a source of strength; a shortcut back to self-respect when your criticism kicks in.

This is more than a mindset shift; it’s neurophysiotherapy. And when done regularly, it’s one of the most powerful ways to interrupt the shame spiral and strengthen the part of you that can respond with encouragement and support, not just criticism.

Final Thoughts: You Don’t Have to Be So Hard on Yourself

Self-compassion isn’t fluffy. It’s strategic. It gives you the internal stability to move through life with confidence, even when things get hard.

Because the truth is:

1. Self-compassion creates change, not complacency
2. Criticism fuels shame, not accountability
3. Compassion leads to wise action, not avoidance

If you're tired of the all-or-nothing pressure to perform, and want to build something steadier in its place… Self-compassion is where you start.

Next Steps

🎧 Podcast: Listen to How to Stop Being So Hard on Yourself
💌 Free Mini-Course — Get the Emotion System Audit and learn how to stop spiralling, calm self-criticism, and get back to feeling like yourself.
📞 Coaching: Think you need more than content? Submit an enquiry and let’s explore if coaching is right for you.

After all, you don’t become your best self by being your harshest critic. You become your best self by treating yourself like someone worth supporting.

References

[1] Whelton, W. J., & Greenberg, L. S. (2005). Emotion in self-criticism. Personality and Individual Differences, 38(7), 1583–1595. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2004.09.024

[2] Gilbert, P., Clarke, M., Hempel, S., Miles, J. N. V., & Irons, C. (2004). Criticizing and reassuring oneself: An exploration of forms style and reasons in female students. British Journal of Clinical Psychology, 43, 31–50. doi: 10.1348/014466504772812959 

[3] Blatt, S. J., & Zuroff, D. C. (1992). Interpersonal relatedness and self-definition: Two prototypes for depression. Clinical Psychology Review, 12(5), 527–562. https://doi.org/10.1016/0272-7358(92)90070-O

[4] Dunkley, D. M., Zuroff, D. C., & Blankstein, K. R. (2003). Self-critical perfectionism and daily affect: dispositional and situational influences on stress and coping. Journal of personality and social psychology, 84(1), 234–252.

[5] Ogilvie, D. M. (1987). The undesired self: A neglected variable in personality research. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(2), 379–385. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.52.2.379

[6] Blatt, S. J. (2004). Experiences of depression: Theoretical, clinical, and research perspectives. American Psychological Association. https://doi.org/10.1037/10749-000

[7] Matos, M., Steindl, S., Gilbert, P., & Pinto-Gouveia, J. (2021). Shame memories that shape who we are. In J. N. Kirby & P. Gilbert (Eds.), Making an impact on mental health: The applications of psychological research (pp. 97–126). Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group. https://doi.org/10.4324/9780429244551-5

[8] Castilho, P., Pinto-Gouveia, J., Amaral, V., & Duarte, J. (2014). Recall of threat and submissiveness in childhood and psychopathology: the mediator effect of self-criticism. Clinical psychology & psychotherapy, 21(1), 73–81. https://doi.org/10.1002/cpp.1821

[9] Gilbert, P., & Basran, J. (2019). The evolution of prosocial and antisocial competitive behavior and the emergence of prosocial and antisocial leadership styles. Frontiers in Psychology, 10, Article 610. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00610

[10] Curran, T., & Hill, A. P. (2019). Perfectionism is increasing over time: A meta-analysis of birth cohort differences from 1989 to 2016. Psychological Bulletin, 145(4), 410–429. https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000138

[11] Longe, O., Maratos, F. A., Gilbert, P., Evans, G., Volker, F., Rockliff, H., & Rippon, G. (2010). Having a word with yourself: neural correlates of self-criticism and self-reassurance. NeuroImage, 49(2), 1849–1856. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neuroimage.2009.09.019

[12] Gilbert, P. (2009). Introducing compassion-focused therapy. Advances in Psychiatric Treatment, 15(3), 199–208. doi:10.1192/apt.bp.107.005264

[13] Kim, J. J., Cunnington, R., & Kirby, J. N. (2020). The neurophysiological basis of compassion: An fMRI meta-analysis of compassion and its related neural processes. Neuroscience and biobehavioral reviews, 108, 112–123. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neubiorev.2019.10.023

[14] Matos, M., Duarte, C., Duarte, J., Pinto-Gouveia, J., Petrocchi, N., Basran, J., & Gilbert, P. (2017). Psychological and physiological effects of compassionate mind training: A pilot randomised controlled study. Mindfulness, 8(6), 1699–1712. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-017-0745-7

[15] Gilbert, P., & Irons, C. (2005). Focused therapies and compassionate mind training for shame and self-attacking. In P. Gilbert (Ed.), Compassion: Conceptualisations, research and use in psychotherapy (pp. 263–325). Routledge. https://doi.org/10.4324/9780203003459

[16] Breines, J. G., & Chen, S. (2012). Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38(9), 1133–1143. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167212445599

[17] Naismith, I., Ferro, C. D., Ingram, G., & Leal, W. J. (2019). Compassion-focused imagery reduces shame and is moderated by shame, self-reassurance and multisensory imagery vividness. Research in psychotherapy (Milano), 22(1), 329. https://doi.org/10.4081/ripppo.2019.329

[18] Kosslyn, S. M., Ganis, G., & Thompson, W. L. (2001). Neural foundations of imagery. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 2(9):635–642.